welcome ... enjoy yourself

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

hello, it's me

I have really missed this space. Since my last blog post a few months ago, I've written a couple dozen mental posts, but never actually gotten them written. Turns out mental blog posts don't count as real blog posts. 

So here I am, back writing an actual post. 

Part of the reason for the break was that the past few months have been busy. We moved into our new house (!!!), and we're getting adjusted while slowly unpacking all of our boxes. My sister got married (!!!), and we spent a week in Michigan for the wedding, then had another reception back in St. Louis. Baby T turned one (!!!), and we celebrated his birthday with a simple little party. On top of that we've been working on getting into a more predictable daily routine to try to help Baby T sleep better at night. Our plans for regular sleep have been foiled by a couple bouts of sickness, but I'm hoping we're reaching the end of that. 

I've been staying at home with Baby T since we moved back to St. Louis, and it's been so good in so many ways. It's also been interesting for me to not have a job out of the house I regularly go to or having to be accountable to someone other than my baby. But I wouldn't trade the time I've had with him for anything. Everyday there's a little moment where I think "I wouldn't have had this if I was working." 

The ups have been getting to spend lots of time with Baby T and having a very flexible schedule. The downs have been finding myself in a bit of a personal rut and not knowing where I want to go from here. When I think about working outside of the home I get panicky thinking about leaving my little guy, but thinking about being a stay at home mom for a long time doesn't feel great either. I'm not sure what the answer will be, but I thought picking up blogging again might help me figure out what I want to do. 

Another reason for the break is that I've been feeling a little stuck, though I didn't realize that until just recently. I miss making goals and bucket lists. I miss taking pictures and sharing them. I miss painting and having projects. I miss reflecting on my daily life. The last time I found myself in a bit of a rut, I began this blog. Finding little things to be grateful for in my everyday life made a huge difference for me, and I felt thankful for things I had been overlooking. Eventually I found a new job, some new hobbies, then another new job that ended up being the perfect fit for me. Then I left it to move home. It's been a great move for us, but it's also been a huge transition, and even the perfect move brings growing pains.

But ruts and feelings of dissatisfaction are huge gifts. They get me to take a closer look at my life, figure out what's missing, and open me to new possibilities. 

The last reason for the break is that I didn't know what I wanted this blog to be anymore. I got a strange reminder that writing a blog is in its nature a very public thing, meaning anyone can read anything I write. That's what I want in a way (obviously), but it means I need to be picky about what I choose to share, especially now that I have a baby. You've probably noticed that I haven't shared any pictures of his face, and I rarely mention his full name. While I'm sure that 99% of the people reading this would only have the purest of intentions checking up on my little guy (especially because it's mostly my friends and family that read this!), I get nervous about that 1%. Figuring out what this space looks like when my life is focused on a baby whose privacy I want to protect will just be a process. 

So there you have it. A quick check in post that will hopefully be the start of a refocusing on blogging and the things that bring me joy. I feel a little better already. Thanks for reading!